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I used to think that feeling any feeling was a helpful thing.

that was until i discovered that some feelings are created by self-punishment.
feeling guilt is like hitting ourselves with an emotional stick and then feeling the pain and the emotional bruises of that afterwards.
instead of feeling the emotional bruises, it’s much more helpful for us stop hitting ourselves with the emotional sticks in the first place!

if another child was about to hit your child with a real stick, you wouldn’t let that happen over and over again, and then just listen to your child’s feelings. you would probably want to set a loving limit with the hitting in the first place.
there is so much research to show that punishments don’t actually work.
and of course, that is because they don’t actually address why children do those things in the first place.

and that is why punishing ourselves with those emotional guilt sticks doesn’t work either.
you can tell yourself you are a bad mother over and over.
it possibly won’t change a thing, because it’s not addressing the cause of your action or non-action.

and in fact, it would probably bring more emotional bruises, that you would do more things that you don’t want to do as a mother (because one of the reasons we act in ways we don’t enjoy as mothers is because of pent up painful feelings). hitting ourselves with emotional sticks -> feeling painful feelings -> being less present as a mother.
you help your child is when you stop hitting yourself with emotional sticks and instead act from willingness rather than coercion, and respond compassionately rather than harshly to yourself if you’ve done something that doesn’t fit with your values.
i wonder how you feel when you imagine not feeling guilty.
do you feel worried that you would sit on the couch all day, eating chocolates and reading novels or scrolling facebook?
we have been brought up in a culture that believes that if children or adults aren’t punished or threatened, they will be wild, unhelpful beings.
but has harshness to yourself in the form of guilt ever made you more compassionate?

compassion helps us be more compassionate.
@_marion_rose_ 💕
@synergy.gentle.parenting 💕

Yesterday comment 13 star 172

" never tell me
i can't do it.
to me, i danced
with two hearts.
and i breathed
with four lungs.
to me, i've been ice
fire and wind.
i've taken
in my belly
the weight of two worlds,
and i have born
life is screaming.
that i embraced
to sadness without fear.
and i cried smiles.
don't tell me
that i'm not capable
of something.
or everything."
- eva lópez martinez (art by enric hugyet)
#repost @4thtribodies 💕 (@get_repost )
#4thtrimesterbodiesproject #gentleparenting #peacefulparenting  #positiveparenting #consciousparenting #attachmentparenting #nonpunitiveparenting  #mumsofinsta #kiwimum #mummyblogger #mummybloggernz #mumblogger #mumbloggernz #momblogger #mombloggernz  #mommyblogger #mommybloggernz #thegentlemamma

19 hours ago comment 9 star 165

“our baby gives herself to us completely. there is no hesitation, no reservation, no holding back, no coldness, no craft, no tremor or fear in her love. although our relationship may encompass tears, frustration, even fury, it is an utterly reliable bond. as it grows, her love is literally unadulterated. her love is wholly of the child, pure in its essence as children are in their direct passions. children do not love wisely, but perhaps they love the best of all.”
louise erdrich
you have been “outside” of my body just as long as you were “inside”. happy 9 months kaiza 🎉 .
📸: @kendramlee
#daughters #kaizawells #9months #thebaby

1 hour ago comment 4 star 200